the first day of many

i just returned yesterday from eleven wonderful days in new york. my trip was an excellent break from the monotonous routine of home and holidays, from the stresses of the past few months (and there have been many). i spent new years eve and the following week in the company of one of my most long-time friends. during this trip, i once again found myself browsing apartments for rent in my friend's new neighborhood, jackson heights, queens. when the time came to board the plane, i was actually ready to head back to north carolina -- i felt inspired, ready to write more music and move forward with the life i have built here.

this morning, my landlord unexpectedly knocked on my door. he chose today to tell me that he can no longer rent to me, that he needs the apartment for a sick family member who is moving to town for medical care. since i pay on a month-to-month basis with no formal contract, even though i have asked repeatedly to resign my rental contract (this is a lapse on both our parts), there is nothing i can do. i must move. he's giving me until march to find a new place. i am absolutely devastated. this loft has been my home for almost two years. it is my "new york in north carolina". i had intended to stay here for as long as possible, and now those dreams are dashed.

what a way to start a saturday morning. what a forced march towards something new. i suppose i could look at it as an adventure, but right now i can't see past the shock and pain. it is one thing to choose to leave when physically and emotionally ready, but it is quite another to be shoved out unexpectedly with no prospects in sight. the next two months will probably be rather rocky, and it comes at a time when i had just regained some semblance of footing from a rougher-than-usual autumn. all of this, with the smell of new york still lingering in my hair.

"our homes are our sanctuaries. they're our inviolate caves, the place we feel most safe and secure, where nothing outside can touch us."-PLR

working out the kinks

I think there is probably some blog universe law about how having only text, and no photos, is detrimental to the interest in the blog. I always had problems blogging my photoshoots as well, and I think I'm starting to see why. my brain processes words and photos in different ways. mostly, I think that a good, worthwhile photo should be able to stand alone, as should good, worthwhile words. or maybe I'm just lazy and don't like spending the time to unite the two. that said, I've always like the idea of photoblogging, and I'm hoping to make it a regular part of this venture. apologies, to those of you for whom this is a cross-post or reblog of sorts. what appears below the line is what I hope will appear in the future when I post photos.

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throw off the sheets (good morning)

where there's smoke

nothing says Monday quite like the smell of inadvertently burning brasierres. if that doesn't give you any indication that my problems have continued, then maybe we should talk about the smell of burning computer hardware. as much as I generally dislike Windows systems, I had a tiny moment of sad when my netbook let out first one, then a second, puff of smoke and died. that stupid little semi-pink machine was never so important to me as when it kicked the bucket, leaving me stranded in a foreign country (island, no less) with no way to communicate with my family and friends. okay, I'm being a little dramatic here. I still have an international cell phone and access to my employer's iPad. and, thanks to a conveniently timed rendezvous and an amazing friend, I now am in possession of my very first smartphone -- a secondhand iPhone 3GS. typing with my thumbs, feeling like a chimp, but ridiculously grateful for the ability to connect. the whole debacle has been a crash course in "don't know what you got 'til it's gone".

perhaps now would be an apropos time to talk about the good parts of this little island adventure, before you get the wrong idea about it. 

-it's pretty. seriously have you seen my photos (okay, well, if were not friends on the facebook then you probably haven't)? the cliche applies: pictures don't do it justice. especially my wanna-be semi-pro shooting on auto pictures.

-the beaches are enough to turn a pale, reclusive vampire like myself into a bonafide sunbather with a serious yearn for salt. the waves roll gently enough that you can easily walk out neck deep and the water is so clear you might get a complex about your need for a good pedicure.

-duty free shopping. you might have to do a little haggling, but it's worth it. the netbook picked a good time to commit compu-cide. oh, and the alcohol is duty free too, so if I can't fix the problem, I can at least drown it.

-sweet heavens, the food. I haven't had a bad meal yet, and I haven't even ventured over to Grand-Case, the highly acclaimed fine dining destination city of the island. I've even been cooking... and those of you who really know me know the gravity of that statement.

-I'll take temperate, gorgeous 85 degree highs and lows with a slight chance of hurricanes over the comparably brutal NC winter I'll face when I return. I sincerely thought the weather would be a bit more hard to handle, closer to the equator. the sun definitely kicks a lot harder, but so does the breeze.

so, when my laundry machine isn't busy burning up my bras, there are quite a few reasons to enjoy this island. and I AM taking advantage of them, when I can step out from under the netbook-smoke-filled dark cloud that seems to be following me around. 

getting the guts

on monday night, i needed to go to the market, and since i had no quick food to fix at home beforehand, i decided to eat dinner at a local restaurant. since i haven't had seafood on-island beyond my favorite tuna steak burger (at Sunset Bar & Grille, in Maho), i looked for shrimp on a few restaurant menus, and found the best-looking shrimp entree at Pineapple Pete's (a restaurant where i've already been a handful of times). oh well, so much for adventure. when i arrived, there was a guitarist on stage playing covers. the longer i sat, the more i was awed by his super-smooth playing style and his mastery of the loop pedal to create a very full sound. he seemed very personable, especially when he chuckled at me being the only one clapping after a particularly good song. i didn't have the guts to say anything to him in person, but saw a tip jar and decided to write a short compliment on the back of my business card, and leave my email address. i had no real expectations of him (these things have gone negatively for me, in the past), but i hoped he would respond and help me find the great music scene i knew was hidden somewhere on this island.

imagine my surprise when he actually responded just a half-day later. his email was kind, and he invited me to come back out that night and hear him with the full band. my employer asked me to first attend a school function with her and her son, then go out to dinner with them, and she mentioned Pete's as an option. it seemed like a great transition -- dinner with them, and drinks while listening to the band -- so i decided to drive separately. i didn't know, when i arrived, if i would have the nerve to actually approach him, but i figured at the very least i would enjoy some good music and good rum. i saw him arrive, set up, and head for the bar (which i had JUST left, to sit at a table near the front), and summoned my courage. since i'd first introduced myself via business card, i decided the best way to get his attention (he was on his iPad) was to go sit beside him at the bar and drop my business card in front of him. cutesy, but effective -- he picked it up, looked closely at it, then turned to me with a smile. thus, i received my very first double cheek-kiss greeting and met Amin.

overall, the night was really good for me. we had some casual conversation, and the band did some really fun and masterful covers. Amin had spent the hour leading up to their set trying to convince me to sing a song with them, but would never produce a set list for me to choose one. of course, when the pressure's on, i'm never able to think of any common songs to sing. i know thousands of songs, casually, but if i don't really know the lyrics and vocal pattern well, my slight stage fright will obliterate them from my memory. the only song i could think to propose was "Sunday Morning" (haha, Honey James Band members), which they didn't know. however, bets are on as to whether they'll learn it before next week. it turns out that i do know many of the songs in their repertoire, so who knows. maybe the courage it took for me to put myself out there and compliment/contact someone new will also enable me to hit the stage with a really great st maarten band before i leave this island. at the very least, i feel like i've made some new, talented acquaintances. thank goodness for guts, eh?

tropical depression

i've been doing a lot of thinking about how this trip has been a good trial run for moving to a faraway city, like new york. no, this definitely isn't my new york, in so many ways. it's just different enough from home that i have no idea exactly what to expect from any given situation. i can hazard a guess, but sometimes my expectations are nowhere close to what actually happens. let me recount for you the craziness that has occurred thus far on this trip, in chronological order.

-sun goes down at 6:30pm (so no evening exploring alone, it's not safe)
-sun comes up at 5:30am and shines directly in my four 10' glass doors
-no internet or phone, for several days
-working longer hours than usual
-one day and night of no a/c, no fan (and i thought it was a fluke)
-mosquito invasion (due to leaving windows open)
-unexplained rash on my neck and jaw
-nanny kid was completely unmanageable for both mom and me (two weeks)
-ant invasion (including my bed, and three bites)
-broke a pair of sunglasses
-cut off part of fingernail while shaving
-four days and nights of no a/c, no fan
-jellyfish sting
-bad sunburn on my legs
-respiratory issues (unproductive cough, sore throat) and general fatigue
-realizing that several of my sick symptoms fit with dengue fever, hurray!
-three days and nights of heavy wind and rain, and a hyperactive toddler
-two days and nights of no a/c, no fan

so yes. i am on a lovely tropical island. just lovely. i'm glad you're enjoying my photos (on facebook) and living vicariously through me. honestly, though, i know i'm being a crank, and possibly a little melodramatic. believe me, by the time i got to potential dengue fever (fairly sure i'm in the clear), i was actually starting to laugh at myself and wonder just what would go wrong next. my laughter might have looked a little unhinged to the average spectator though...

another thing i've been considering is just how "cut off" i feel here. it's exciting, and a fun opportunity, but leaving behind all of my friends and family, my loft and my daily routines, my comfort in general... to say the least, it's given me a renewed appreciation for those things. those several days i went without steady, reliable internet access weren't so bad, but when i briefly HAD internet in my flat, got ready to connect, and promptly lost it, well... i lost it. i got really upset. all i wanted to do was see familiar faces and hear familiar voices (via skype), and i couldn't. it seems stupid when you take it out of context, but it's how i felt.

folks, my love language is quality time. i want the one-on-one with people i love, and i'm getting very little of it. perhaps a lot of the fault is mine. i guess i expected people back home to reach out, or at the very least to respond when i reach out. it seems like it's a case of "out of sight, out of mind." to make matter more difficult, i don't make friends easily, and it seems incredibly weird to just walk up to a stranger and say, "hi, i'm new here." also, most people i come in contact with are only here for a week at most and aren't interested in forming any kind of even casual acquaintance. they brought their friends, they'll hang with their friends, and then leave with their friends. it leaves me pretty bummed.

we decided earlier this week to extend our stay here, previously ending on september 1st, to september 12th. that means six more weeks than i'd originally planned, bringing in the grand total to thirteen weeks on-island. my employer actually got her contract renewed until december, but both of us decided that it would be too much. i am hoping, in the next couple of weeks, that i'll acclimate better, or something. i've found a lot of activities i can do solo -- it's just a matter of finding the time and fitting them into my work schedule somehow. i'm hoping, by writing all of this down, i will put it all behind me and start feeling better about my time here. things seem to be taking a turn for the better, as far as incidents go, and i'm learning to be positive, though tenuously.

so, if this is a trial for a future move to new york (or wherever it is i end up)... i'm not doing too well. and God forbid i break that second pair of sunglasses, or there might be tears.

driving in st maarten

i just thought i'd throw together a few little things about driving and vehicles in st maarten, beyond what i've already written.

*on the dutch side (where i'm living), the roads are privately owned. meaning, a person or private company, instead of a municipality, is responsible for upkeep/patching/etc. yes, every road, even the main thoroughfares.

*as i've already mentioned, within my first 10 minutes of driving on the island, i was fording flood waters. in the rainy season (summer, which is also the OFF season here), it happens frequently.

*speed bumps. with no/few warnings. and they aren't colored, like they are back home, so they sneak up on you on a 30 to 45 kph road.

*oh, and kilometers per hour on the signs and my speedometer.

*almost all of the road signs are pictures, and i didn't take a test on them, so i have no clue what many of them mean. winging it! some are obvious, but there are a few i still can't figure out.

*i think i've seen ONE stop light the whole time i've been here, and it was more of an indicator that the bridge (which raises twice a day) crossing the water passing from ocean to lagoon is about to raise.

*roundabouts/traffic circles are prevalent. and people who know how to use them (at least, the locals do... you can tell who the tourists are!)

*if someone beeps at you, it's not a complaint. it's giving you the right of way.

*there are no known rules for passing. people do it a lot, at random times. and by random, i mean both inconvenient and dangerous times.

*parking is a free-for-all. yes, there are designated spaces. there are even a few paid parking garages. most of the time, though, people are very thoughtless about it.

*maaany of the cars are the same, or very similar. God help you if you ended up renting a white Hyundai i10... because they are EVERYWHERE.

*it's pretty impossible to get lost if you stay on the main roads, because they follow almost the entire edge of the island.

*hopping from the dutch side to the french side is easy. there's just a sign that says "welcome to france!" or "welcome to the french side!"

*despite all of this, traffic flows really well... except between 5pm and 6pm. that's when the locals are leaving work and heading back inland to their homes, and also when the two bridges raise. traffic is a horrible snarl at that point, but sometimes, there's no avoiding going out -- many shops close at 6pm.

that's all i can think of, for now! i might add more later.

a week of (not so) wonderful

i knew pests would be an issue here, and with risk of dengue fever with certain bites, both i and my employer have been overly careful to the tune of extra-strength bug spray. unfortunately, as a result of one of my last nights in winston, i was already behind. i left home with two mosquito bites, garnered easily in sleep after accidentally leaving my patio door open all night. i managed to mostly resist scratching said bites (except once or twice, involuntarily), and they have now mostly healed with no scabbing. tiny, pink battle scars for the war over my body. however, after being here one week, i have three horrible, dare-i-say festering, bites on my leg and foot. since i didn't actually witness myself receiving the bites, and they aren't identifiable as anything i've been bitten by before (this includes but is not limited to, mosquitoes, spiders, wasps, snakes, and flies) i'm going to attribute it to one thing: ants. lots and lots of them. in my bed, with me in it. ::squirms::

in the past, i have convinced myself that i'm not terribly squeamish, but that's kind of a misnomer on my part. the sight of blood generally doesn't bother me, but i've almost passed out several times while giving blood or being injured (and, actually, i've been injured WHILE giving blood, ask me about that experience sometime). i've killed snakes with shovels, and trapped spiders under glass. things feasting on me, however, is where i draw a big, fat, squeamish line. well, let's just say i am NOT VERY FOND, and that is the least offensive way i can word it. waking up with ants in my bed definitely prompted some choice words and a nearly sleepless night (or two). this is one case in which i am thankful for all the horrible chemicals they sprayed to rid my apartment of the problem.

it's apparently some kind of cardinal sin to make complaints while you're visiting a tropical paradise, but it definitely bears documentation, at least here. the thought of ants in your bed doesn't go away, even after the reality does. it wakes you up at night to flip on the lights and flip off the sheets and run your hands down your legs, brushing away phantom plagues. it leaves you tingling and itchy, anticipating more and worse, even after you've eradicated the obvious problem. it also apparently renders you unable to control your own body, because i can't help but scratch on and around these swollen bumps. fortunately, a good soak in the salty ocean water seems to really help the itching, along with a heavy hand with hydrocortizone cream and bug spray.

ugh, bugs. right up there with zombies and vampires as general me-munching menaces to the population.

at which point the water appears more blue

i could do a lot of waxing philosophical about how all journeys have a destination and that life isn't about the destination, but mostly i'm writing to say that i've arrived at one particular destination: st. martin/sint maarten. i haven't been able to gather my words as well or as soon as i'd have liked, but with a little encouragement/subtle from a ten-year-old friend who is also traveling and blogging this summer (hello phoebe!), here i sit, contemplating my own journey. fortunately i have the next six weeks to sort through my feelings on the subject. maybe more...

the past few days have been a combination of delicious blur and acute memorization. there are moments where i have to stop and remind myself that this is really happening and is not just some crazy dream. honestly, it's a little difficult when the bright blue caribbean waters are only several hundred yards away. seriously, though, how does a nanny (raised in a small town, who has never traveled extensively, much less out of the country, at twenty-six years of age) end up here, in a beautiful-though-very-americanized island paradise?

my trip began early on wednesday morning. at 5am, we left for the airport in charlotte from winston, arriving just as the sun rose at 6:30. i managed to pack all of my clothes in one very large suitcase. the airline's weight limit for checked baggage is 50 lbs (unless you want to be subject to a $90 fine for overweight baggage), and i just squeezed by at 47. packing into one bag allowed me to take my guitar as my carry-on item, along with one small personal bag containing my cameras, netbook, and e-reader. after breezing through security (a first for me... i always forget something metallic on my person), we grabbed breakfast at an airport cafe and began the long wait for our 9:40am flight.

i spent lots of time walking the terminal with the nanny kid, keeping him entertained, while his mom relaxed as much as possible and sat with our copious amounts of carry-on luggage (her carry-on and personal bag, his carry-on and personal bag, and my guitar and personal bag... plus a stroller). when the first boarding call came, we were able to board first (a HUGE perk of flying with a young child). they handed me a gate-check ticket for my guitar and for the stroller i was pushing with toddler in tow. we were nearly the first passengers to step on the plane, so i asked the flight attendant if i could store the guitar in the overhead. he nodded and asked me to store it only over my seat, and let us pass. that, despite the tired feeling already creeping over me, was a great reason to smile.

it was a short wait to take off after boarding. we had lots of little entertainment items for the nanny kid, but i'm proud that we didn't break out the iPad at all. mostly he played with small cars and figurines, and snacked, but soon his five a.m. wakeup came calling and he drifted to sleep. almost four hours later, i caught my first sight of islands breaking through the blue waters below. my excited squirming woke the toddler sleeping halfway in my lap, and we both smiled relentlessly and chattered back and forth as the plane touched down over maho beach. a perfect landing.

there is a tiny strip of beach (maybe 20 ft), a two-lane road, and a five-foot fence between the water and the end of the runway, and numerous signs stating the danger of standing near where the planes land. people do it anyway, for the rush, for the photo opportunity, and i can't help but wonder how many were under our plane as the pilots guided us in. during rough seas (not hurricanes, just storms), the water often rises up and covers the road and creeps towards the runway. as we were flying in, i saw a gorgeous natural sea cave carved into the cliffs at maho. it was the first sight that truly set my heart beating fast, a promise of adventure and excitement i hadn't yet given myself permission to feel while preparing for this trip.

the next few hours were a blur. we deplaned, acquired our three checked bags, and headed to pick up our transportation. this trip has seen a lot of firsts for me, but none have held the same trepidation as driving my very first rental car (a tiny hyundai i10, with its speedometer in km instead of mph). the roads here just barely qualify for that name. though they are paved, they are cracked and potholed, and barely wide enough in some places for two cars to pass. furthermore, on this first day, the island had recently been subject to heavy rains, so the many gullies had collected up to a foot of rainwater. forwarding these gullies was much like forwarding a river in a bumper-car -- a frightening rush. i kept expecting to see water rising under my feet as i pressed the gas and brakes.

we dropped off our luggage, and headed for a local market. on the first aisle, i spotted the same bag of chips we'd purchased in the airport in charlotte, which are becoming a new favorite of mine. however, the numbers below the rack of items didn't make sense to me. $10 for a medium-sized bag of chips? noticing that i had nothing in my basket, my employer pointed out to me a tiny price beside the larger one: US dollars, versus the Dutch guilders reflected in the large price. the exchange rate is currently about 1 to 2. the chips were still $4, but since we were just stocking up for a few meals' worth of food, i thought it worth it. i also picked up breakfast food (cereal and soy milk), sandwich fixings (wheat bread, turkey, cheese, and mustard), and a few other small items. my total at the register came to 80 guilders, or around US$42. not too terrible, considering that most (if not all) items on the shelves had to be shipped in. my employer assured me that we'd drive to a larger grocery store later in the week to stock up on items the small market didn't carry.

after shopping, we headed back to the apartments to relax for a while, and i began to take in my surroundings. my employers have a one-bedroom, two-bath unit for the two adults and one toddler. i have a separate studio right next door. a lot of the finishes are luxury (stone tile, stainless steel appliances, rainfall shower and jacuzzi tub for one), but the furnishings are simple (the bed, chairs, and kitchen-wares). the linens are nice enough, but laughably, my bedspread is bright pink and red. the balcony is wrap-around, pergola-covered, and amazing, with views of both the ocean and the lagoon. i can watch planes take off all day long, if i so choose, which is a plus when you spend a lot of waking hours with a two-year-old boy.

around six, we went out for my first dinner on the island. my employer chose sunset bar and grille for its food and location -- right on the waves at maho beach, by the runway. true to its name, it does face into the sunset and towards that intriguing sea cave. we watched planes land, listened to the waves lap, and ate well. i had a tuna steak burger with a delicious spicy sauce.

by 8pm, i was crashing hard from a very long day, and very ready to test out my bed. i set an alarm for the next morning, when i would begin work at 8:45. laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep, eyes heavy, i reflected. i've made a lot of choices in my life, some good and some definitely not, but whatever choices i've made have led me to this particular point. in light of that, there are no such thing as coincidences, but i can't rule out luck. i feel so very lucky to be experiencing this, which is something i'll have to remember on the days when toddler-hood takes a turn for the worse. here's hoping that can be mitigated with lots of time in the water.

going swimmingly... sort of

trying to prepare for a trip out of the country when you've never been (out of the country, much less to a tropical island) is like... walking into a dark room with no clue where the lightswitch might be or if there's even a bulb in the fixture. at least, that's how it feels at this point. i have no clue what i'm doing and i can only try to prepare, and ask a LOT of questions of people who have been there before (in particular, my employers).

first things first, i took care of one of the harder tasks: buying all the swimsuits i can possibly afford. i hate, HATE swimsuit shopping. i would much prefer to swim in a full-length wetsuit (yes, long sleeves and long legs) than try to find a suit that's flattering to my body in even the smallest way. i got forced into it last weekend, though, as i was heading to the beach to spend a weekend with family. when i pulled out my suits from previous summers, almost EVERY SINGLE ONE had something wrong with it. in one, the elastic was shot. in another, the material was wearing thin. the one suit i knew fit and looked alright was nowhere to be found, and several of the others have seen the end of their days. cue the torture test of swimsuit shopping.

somehow, though, i lucked out this year. amidst all the teeny tiny triangles, i found not one but two awesome suits. there seems to be a vintage cut revival going on right now, which definitely works with my curves. i spent $60-something on the them, and when i returned home after the beach trip (a little more red for the experience), i found my teal suit. so, three fitting and flattering suits. fun. i've never spent so long with access to various water options (beach, pool, hot tub), but everything i've read says to at least pack two suits (one to wear, while the other is drying or in the wash). i figure i'm safe with three. i swear i'm going to wear one on the plane in case my luggage gets lost...

as for the rest of my wardrobe while on-island, i'm slowly putting it together. i've been told there are very few places to buy clothing there (my mind says there MUST be unless the locals run about naked... which, french beaches, distinct possibility), so i can't count on easily purchasing replacements if something were to happen. i'm trying to stick with either natural, breathable fabrics or quick-drying synthetics. i'm torn on whether to take some of my favorite items (to ward off homesickness) or to keep thrifting for similar items in case they get lost or damaged or just worn out from seven solid weeks of wear. i also want to pack workout gear, in hopes that i'll be motivated to make at least a few trips to the fitness center on site, but i'll likely make sure that those items can also double as pajamas if need be. that way, i'm not overpacking.

as for the other creature comforts i usually shlep along, well, i'm still up in the air. i need to find out some information about power supplies and if i'll need converters. i get the feeling any unnecessary products, like my hair dryer or straightener, will be staying at home. i'll need power for my entertainment items, though, especially my netbook (music, movies, and the almighty internet). i get the feeling that skype and i are about to become best friends.

i'm probably over-thinking it all. i have a tendency to prepare for the worst, especially when packing a suitcase. here's hoping that, with this much time to plan, i'll be wise. then again, i only have five weeks left...