the first day of many

i just returned yesterday from eleven wonderful days in new york. my trip was an excellent break from the monotonous routine of home and holidays, from the stresses of the past few months (and there have been many). i spent new years eve and the following week in the company of one of my most long-time friends. during this trip, i once again found myself browsing apartments for rent in my friend's new neighborhood, jackson heights, queens. when the time came to board the plane, i was actually ready to head back to north carolina -- i felt inspired, ready to write more music and move forward with the life i have built here.

this morning, my landlord unexpectedly knocked on my door. he chose today to tell me that he can no longer rent to me, that he needs the apartment for a sick family member who is moving to town for medical care. since i pay on a month-to-month basis with no formal contract, even though i have asked repeatedly to resign my rental contract (this is a lapse on both our parts), there is nothing i can do. i must move. he's giving me until march to find a new place. i am absolutely devastated. this loft has been my home for almost two years. it is my "new york in north carolina". i had intended to stay here for as long as possible, and now those dreams are dashed.

what a way to start a saturday morning. what a forced march towards something new. i suppose i could look at it as an adventure, but right now i can't see past the shock and pain. it is one thing to choose to leave when physically and emotionally ready, but it is quite another to be shoved out unexpectedly with no prospects in sight. the next two months will probably be rather rocky, and it comes at a time when i had just regained some semblance of footing from a rougher-than-usual autumn. all of this, with the smell of new york still lingering in my hair.

"our homes are our sanctuaries. they're our inviolate caves, the place we feel most safe and secure, where nothing outside can touch us."-PLR

loft updates

in case you didn't get the memo, i'm back with a vengeance to my home in nc. after a week of back-to-normal, my employers decided to give me a much-needed week-long break from work. it's been amazing thus far. i'm on weekday two, and shockingly, not spending all of my time sleeping. i've got a lot to do, and have gotten a lot done already. the biggest item on my list was trying to resolve the disdain i've developed for the chaos in my loft. i've always known my space could be amazing, but after living here a year and a half (minus the two months in st. maarten), i realize it wasn't reaching it's potential in the least. after being inspired by the minimalist studio i'd come to call home on the island, coming home to that chaos made me sick to my stomach. i knew a big upheaval was in order... but where to begin?

lucky for me, my answer came quickly. i drove past a new furniture consignment store within my first few days back in town. i walked in to look at their wares, and to ask about their process for choosing consignors. the owner made an appointment to come see several of the large pieces i've been desperate to move: the 7' tall entertainment center that matches my floors way too closely (the color of both is too honey-gold for my cold color style), and the red microsuede loveseat that was killing my color vibe (going for a good balance of cool, via grays, and warm, via taupe... bright red was swinging it from warm to hot, and not in a good way). he agreed to purchase the pieces for an agreeable rate, and is coming to pick them up today from the garage, where they are patiently waiting. these two pieces are the last  "i cannot possibly fit this into a minivan if i decide to move" items on my list, and being rid of them is a huge step in my progress.

even more than a thousand miles away, i thought about my loft often while i was gone, and could not seem to solve the conundrum of furniture placement. since i'm on a month-to-month lease at the moment, i even entertained the thought of moving again, to a different space in the same city. i couldn't bring myself to commit to such a drastic step, especially because there are so many things i absolutely love about this space. after removing the last two eyesores, the space instantly felt lighter and more easy to handle. the relocation was inspiring enough that we (the best friend and i) worked out a really awesome rearrangement. i am excited to try it out, but less excited that i'll have to wait almost a week to do so. in the meantime, i've got a lot of small and not-so-small things to keep me occupied, like organizing my busting-at-the-seams closet.

all of this progress is hot on the heels of a week of clothing thrifting, craigslist shopping, and my semi-annual pilgrimage to ikea. after not being able to really shop for seven weeks, but being constantly inspired by the likes of pintrest and blogs i regularly peruse, i feel like i really went overboard in the time since i've been back in winston. from craigslist, i picked up two bar-height director's chairs. i'd been on the hunt for a while for these taller models, to go with my sometimes-standing desk, and they have proven to be a very smart and comfortable choice that has warranted daily use. their previous owner had a great wire rack that i also snatched up, because it matched my other wire racks, but in smaller scale. it fits perfectly in the open space leading to the kitchen, creating a visual barrier i've desperately needed without completely shutting off the space.

to cope with my clothing obsession, i bought 40 more wooden hangers at ikea, and they are already full (bringing my total to something like 100 hangers for nice, non-foldable clothing and outerwear). i still have piles of tees, some of which i hope to make into tanks (via this cute tutorial). i still have stacks of jeans, and some items which have no hanger or space to stack (i still want a large dresser). i also have a huge box of yard-sale-able items that i threw together on my very last night in town before the trip. a friend of mine had a yard sale while i was gone, and graciously picked up my bins to throw in beside hers. i only sold one item, but i'm grateful i already have things organized and should be able to yard-sell again soon, provided i can procure a yard.

also at ikea, i found a 4-cube expedit unit in the as-is section for only $33 dollars, already assembled. when i picked it up, i thought about donating it to my nanny kid's playroom (which desperately needs organization options), but have since decided to keep it, since it fits perfectly under my desk. i'll use it to store my oft-used photography items, in fabric bins i already own. i also picked up two 16' tension wire mounts. my original plan was to use them to add curtains on the front of the 8'x8' sleeping loft (which will be a guest room and reading nook, once we add some railings for safety). now that we're rearranging the main room, at least one of them will span 14.5' of air to cordon off the 7' deep space in front of my two windows with floor to ceiling fabric room dividers, finally forming a sunlit bedroom that doesn't intrude on the rest of the space. it will also create a windowless living room, and (drum roll please) a dedicated photography shooting space with indirect natural light from the windows to the open-air porch.

so, yes, lots to do this week. lots to dream of and lots to work towards, but lots of progress made, and more to come.

defining my style

i just took an online quiz i found at [sproost.com]. it was fairly comprehensive, and involved me looking at a LOT of photos of rooms and rating them. much like rating one of my journal entries, i had to choose whether i hate the room, don't like the room, think the room is just okay, like the room, or love the room. i could choose to single out various elements that i like or don't like, but for this, i just examined the room as a whole. below are my results, with words and phrases i truly identify with italicized. seeing it all laid out like this, i can see the cohesion!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

40% Vintage Modern

Flea Market anyone? You know you are drawn to modern furniture and interiors, and yet you really don't like a space that feels cold and sterile. And who could blame you? And that's why Vintage Modern is so appealing to you. Though the backdrop of the room, the walls and windows, are many times white or monochromatic, the furniture and accessories have the color, shape and texture to bring the warmth into the space. The great thing about Vintage Modern is ease of mixing different styles in the one space. You can have a new modular sofa mixed with a great pair of chairs that your grandmother purchased in the late 1950's and the new and old work appear as though they were destined for each other. What's great is that even if you don't have time for swap meets and garage sales, so many of the pieces from the mid-century were so great that they have been remade and mimicked year after year.

More >

Materials

The other great thing about Vintage Modern is how low maintenance it can be — fabrics such as cotton, microfiber or ultra-suede and leather all look great and function even better. So whether you are having a cocktail party with friends, or kids are in the picture, the room and the furnishings can handle it. Because the style harkens back to the early twentieth century, the innovative developed during that time are very popular: acrylic, plastic and fiberglass, chrome and steel, and molded plywood. Concrete floors, countertops and furniture are also very popular and lacquered finishes are very common.

Colors

When it comes to color, walls are seen as backdrops for the room. Neutral tones of gray, white, beige and brown are very common and black is a common accent color. Pops of color on the art, furniture and accessories can vary dramatically based on the person, however very common colors are teal blues, army greens and yellow as well as deep oranges and bright reds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

40% Cottage Chic

Who says that cottages can't be modern and chic? Who says that they have to be floral and cheesy? Not you! You love the carefree spirit that the cottage interior inspires, but you are also serious about your appreciation for modern art and hip treasures. You love old and new alike, and love to highlight them all to expose the uniqueness of each. What better way to show off these treasures than with a light background?

More >

Materials

You have a great sense of humor when it comes to design and even like to make fun of the style itself. Which means that you will throw in a toy boat or a vintage life preserver to keep the mood of the place just like the color: light! The fabrics are natural (cottons and linens) and are light in touch. Much of the furniture is wood or wood framed (the lighter the better, think driftwood!) and as long as it's used sparingly or with modern lines, you even throw in a wicker piece here and there.

Colors

Your true inspiration (whether you know it or not) is the sea... the colors found at your favorite beach: white and light beige of the sand, a variety of blues for the ocean and sky, and greens and pale grays of the sea glass... but the key is white! Your space should feel light and airy and give off the mood one has when at the beach: laid back! The key with Cottage Chic is balance; in one corner there could be a rustic wood table that looks like it could have been found rather than made, but it is offset with a modern vase while another corner is adorned with a modern Lucite piece.

Space Planning

The furniture is comfortable and the layout is cozy. The more it encourages intimate gatherings the better! Just watch out for the red wine spills on the new white sofa! The color throughout is light and airy - and though you love to accessorize with fun colors (the sky's the limit with a white background), the main color seen and felt throughout the house is white or very light versions of colors so that they feel almost white.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

20% Rustic Revival

You can take kid out of the country but you can't take the country out of the kid... or is your theme "you can take the kid out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the kid?" Either way you play it, you are one of the unique individuals who loves a mix of modern and country. The clean lines of the modern softened by rustic /vintage elements is the perfect mix in your mind. And can we blame you? You've taken the best aspects of two popular designs and mixed them in a manner that appeals young and old alike. A subtle background of white or light colors provides a nice canvas for all the wonderful flea market, eBay or garage sale finds as well as the classic modern pieces that you love.

More >

Materials

The material palette for urban country runs the gamut because of the two extremes being mixed. On the countryside you see a lot of wood, woven rope, canvas and linen, rustic metals and wrought iron, cowhide and vintage leather. On the more modern side, you see acrylic, satin and polished nickel and chrome, glass, faux fur, refined leather, fiberglass and sleek woods. It's the mixing of these elements that makes the style work so well. Seagrass and other natural woven materials are often used for floor coverings. Concrete and natural wood floors are very popular, and work really well together.

Colors

When it comes to color, think light, casual and airy. White, pale gray or beige, khaki and sage; all of these colors make nice, subtle backdrops for Urban Country style. Think of the colors of natural linen, concrete, and if you'd like to go dark, use the dark brownish-black of iron or the deep burnt orange of rust. The key is to keep the spaces feeling open (go modern!) and yet warm (yay for rustic!), and by going light on the walls and major pieces and more color on the accents and accessories you can achieve this mix really well.

the furniture isn't fulfilling me anymore

as i've previously mentioned, i've moved a lot in the past few years, usually once every year. after never moving, not even once in my childhood, it was definitely a big change. there's a scramble to pull together furniture and other possessions to make your home look like it has enough. this, for me, has been a huge trap. first of all, you can't satisfy yourself with possessions. you can only make yourself slightly more comfortable. second, stylistically, i've never really been forced (or even thought about, quite frankly) to define myself, my style. this has lead to a lot of collecting, of keeping objects that don't really "fit" with my space, because they now hold emotional value. i'm starting to learn to pull from those things to find a cohesive style.

my first home was one of four bedrooms in a third-floor apartment. for a while, my only furniture was a twin-sized mattress (on the floor), a navy butterfly chair, and a waist-high black wire shelving unit. all of my possessions fit into four plastic bins. i accumulated slowly. i bought a silver metal loft bed with an attached desk underneath (to date, the most expensive piece of furniture i've ever purchased). i bought a black metal futon, and shoulder-height black wire rack. for a while, the room seemed perfect: a place to sleep, a place to work, a place to lounge, and a way to organize. they all coordinated, by color and style, using basic materials. it was simple but held the necessities, small but light-filled, and i was happy.

there is a lot of emotion involved in purchasing, for some folks, and i guess i'm one of them. as i moved into progressively bigger residences, i acquired more stuff (furniture, clothing, decorative and personal accessories). i thought, somehow, that a nice house filled with nice things, would make me a more whole and better person. think again! my unhappiness with myself would grow, and i would feel the need to escape. my friends would help me pack, and schlep my stuff to the next residence. the final culmination of this insane thought process lead me into leasing a house that was far beyond my means, and far larger than one person should ever need. the sad part is that i didn't need to BUY any more furniture in order to put something in every room. every room doubled in size, but the furniture from my previous place still fit, in perfect proportion. when i left that house, i left behind a lot of emotional baggage, and donated almost two carloads of previously important possessions.

it's taken me nine months to come to terms with removing some of the rest of the dead weight, but with my furniture on the outs, i felt lighter, ready to move on. after a long week of work, i began to sort through my walk-in closet, an even bigger emotional minefield because it's tied directly to my body. i sorted items into several different categories. one group is clothing that i love and absolutely must keep, the essentials of my style and items i find myself washing once a week because i can't comprehend not having them available to wear. another group consists of items that fit and function, but that i either don't love or haven't worn more than a few times in the past year -- the maybe pile. there's a third pile of items that would be great and i would wear more often... if they were slightly altered (those of you who know me, know i often alter clothes temporarily on my own, but these are headed for a professional). the final group is the sell or donate pile, items that don't fit my body or my style. there's also, in my head, an entire line of conceptual clothes -- items i can't find in a particular color, cut, or fabric, but would love to own. thus, i recently bought a sewing machine in hopes of making them myself.

even still, the contents of my closet is cumbersome: there are long-sleeve layering tees and short sleeve layering tees, wear-alone tees and tank tops. there are dresses for hot days and hot nights, and skirts for when i'm feeling girly. there are low-slung leg-hugging jeans, and comfy cargo pants. there are shorts, for summer. there's even a floor-length dress, but i think i'll have it shortened to knee-length (impractical, in the city). there is a lot of clothing, and somehow, there still isn't enough. there aren't enough light-weight structured jackets for milder weather (though there are plenty of sleeveless tops needing them). there aren't enough of this one particular top that i wore so much last summer, that it's wearing through and getting pilly. there are never enough jeans that fit my ever-changing body perfectly. at least, now, i am starting to realize that clothing is just another of my artistic expressions. some works of art may be an immediate success, and some need additional work to become their best. some are just meant to be kept close for comfort (my favorite pajamas), and some are meant to display for all the world to see.

in the sell or donate pile, there are many items that no longer have a place. they were bought with a particular outfit in mind, or in an effort to be someone whom i'm not (that silk, pink flower-covered dress... or shimmering tops for nights on the town). some of these items are emotionally charged -- they embody a part of my personality (i can occasionally be girly and sweet), but they don't work for my actual body (a clinging silk dress? why did i buy that?!), and their presence is just a burden. shoes are the same... the two pairs of sling-back heels are only cute if i'm not going to walk for ten blocks, and the four pairs of suede boots make me stalk the weather forecast for an unusually precipitation-free day.

of course, you don't have to get rid of everything you love... you just have to decide what's worth schlepping across the country. what means enough that it's worth the sweat from my own brow? it's easy to hang on to things when someone else is shouldering the burden, but when you're doing it yourself, there's a certain amount of pretense that goes out the door and straight to the nearest donation center. beyond that, i'm sure, at some point, i'll end up repopulating my residence with encumbrances that make feel good. i can only strive to make sure that those items aren't trying to fill some big emotional hole in me, instead of the physical space where a couch should be.

just like the movies

my current city, winston-salem, is a city of the arts. along the main drag in downtown, there are many bars and restaurants. there are also galleries, artist's lofts, and an art-house theater that shows lots of independent flicks. since i'd already eaten away at much of this month's plan to list/sell furniture, i decided to make my first visit to a/perture. first, i put feelers out on facebook, to see if anyone wanted to attend a movie with me. my only response was from a friend of a friend, three hours away. i realized that this, in and of itself, is what i can expect to encounter a lot when i move -- friends who only wish they could spend time with me. i decided to do something else that i expect will become normal for me, and go alone. i don't need to wait on the world to catch up, in order to do something i want to do.

if the neighborhood weren't ever-so-slightly unsafe, and the streets weren't hilly enough to leave me out of breath, i would have walked to the theater. if there had been a place to chain it, and if ice weren't on the road from the previous weekend's storm, i would have biked. these things didn't stop me from going out in new york, from walking the streets and stepping in the slush, from braving the bitter north winter winds. they are enough, here, to force me into a car to make a fifteen block trip, pay for parking in a garage, and run (not walk) around the corner to quickly get out of the cold. in new york, i am strong and brave, if a little reckless. in north carolina, i am obviously not.

i am, however, brave enough to go to a movie alone. i purchased a tiny one-person bag of popcorn, paid for my own ticket, and sat by myself. i lost myself in the world of the moving picture, and i enjoyed it. i didn't sit through the credits, as i have so many times with other people, because i dislike sitting through the credits. when the lights came up, i was already out the door, heading back to my car, playing the movie over in my head. i've been to the movies alone very few times in my life. i can count them on one hand, and probably name the movies. the only part i dislike about it is not having anyone with which to discuss the movie after the fact. my sense of accomplishment, of being able to go out alone, was galvanizing. there is always something to do in new york, at almost any hour of the day or night. there is always a way to get there, whether it's bus, subway, taxi, bike, or on foot. i don't anticipate not making any friends, but even if it's slow going, i should be able to appreciate at least this one activity alone.

catching up to current

i've spent the past few days reliving all of my new york experiences, and posting postdated blogs about my feelings. i've revealed more about myself, to myself, than to anyone who might be reading. i've written things down that i didn't even realize i was feeling. i've cried, i've laughed, i've looked at photos and mementos. now it's time to begin the business of moving a life.

i've made a total of 5 major moves since age 18, not counting moving into and out of college dorms (which would add 4 to the total number). each move has been into a progressively bigger space, save this last one. each journey has been made with more and more possessions to fill the spaces, in a fit to find fulfillment in things. each uprooting has been accompanied by the best of friends who were willing to haul my stash, clean my cabinets, and throw me welcoming parties. i owe it to them to make this move alone. they're carried me for long enough. one set of words has haunted me: sell everything you own, to pay your way. it was a plan in the making, before i'd ever made a decision.

i never expected, when i listed several pieces of furniture for sale, that one person would come and buy most of it, all at once. gone are the vestiges of my comfortable, possession-choked life: the red couch, the monstrous entertainment center, the cheap desk, the fancy ottoman. she wants my decorative items, as well, and i'll be happy to oblige. left are only the pieces that i need to live between now and the summer -- a futon-like loveseat, several sets of foldable bookshelves, a low-slung entertainment center and television (both will eventually be sold), a full-size mattress set (will be given away). if it cannot fit in my car, it must stay behind. of course, if i sell my car and rent a minivan for the drive, i will be able to carry more, but they must be pieces i can carry myself. these are the things one considers when moving hundreds of miles away.

my plan consists of this:
in january, i will focus on furniture. this means taking inventory, listing any remaining items for sale, and acquiring replacements for required pieces that will travel well. again, i never thought i'd sell things so quickly, but this has left me time to conduct a few social experiments.

in february, i'll streamline my closet. i can't count on having a closet in new york, so this will be a big deal. clothing must multitask. layering is essential. all shoes that are only stylish, and not functional, must go. i've considered having a party at the end of the month, to sell any clothes, shoes, and handbags that don't make the cut.

in march, i'll destash my decoratives. there are a LOT of them, and in varied styles. some were made to fit stylistically in the 1870s house i rented last year, some for the mid-century house before that, some for my very first solo abode, and some still linger from my college days. there are also a lot of framed portraits of friends and family, which are especially dear because i photographed them.

in april, the technology and entertainment need to be condensed. books i didn't love will go back to the thrift store.  any music i can muster will be digitized and backed up. my game system and all its peripherals are already listed for sale, but as a last resort, i'll put them up for online auction. both of my televisions are out of date, heavy boxes that likely won't travel with me. tv on dvd needs to stay -- it's my boredom savior.

in may, the last month of my lease in the loft, i will sell things directly related to being a nanny. when i was caring for my friend's young one on a daily basis, i acquired a lot of "things". now i've learned that most kids require very little, beyond love, attention, and enrichment, to be happy little people. i'm continuing to develop my childcare philosophies, and be able to explain them. plus, i won't be able to move, nor will i need, many of the things i've acquired.

may 31st approaches all too soon. and from there, who knows?