i've been doing a lot of thinking about how this trip has been a good trial run for moving to a faraway city, like new york. no, this definitely isn't my new york, in so many ways. it's just different enough from home that i have no idea exactly what to expect from any given situation. i can hazard a guess, but sometimes my expectations are nowhere close to what actually happens. let me recount for you the craziness that has occurred thus far on this trip, in chronological order.
-sun goes down at 6:30pm (so no evening exploring alone, it's not safe)
-sun comes up at 5:30am and shines directly in my four 10' glass doors
-no internet or phone, for several days
-working longer hours than usual
-one day and night of no a/c, no fan (and i thought it was a fluke)
-mosquito invasion (due to leaving windows open)
-unexplained rash on my neck and jaw
-nanny kid was completely unmanageable for both mom and me (two weeks)
-ant invasion (including my bed, and three bites)
-broke a pair of sunglasses
-cut off part of fingernail while shaving
-four days and nights of no a/c, no fan
-jellyfish sting
-bad sunburn on my legs
-respiratory issues (unproductive cough, sore throat) and general fatigue
-realizing that several of my sick symptoms fit with dengue fever, hurray!
-three days and nights of heavy wind and rain, and a hyperactive toddler
-two days and nights of no a/c, no fan
so yes. i am on a lovely tropical island. just lovely. i'm glad you're enjoying my photos (on facebook) and living vicariously through me. honestly, though, i know i'm being a crank, and possibly a little melodramatic. believe me, by the time i got to potential dengue fever (fairly sure i'm in the clear), i was actually starting to laugh at myself and wonder just what would go wrong next. my laughter might have looked a little unhinged to the average spectator though...
another thing i've been considering is just how "cut off" i feel here. it's exciting, and a fun opportunity, but leaving behind all of my friends and family, my loft and my daily routines, my comfort in general... to say the least, it's given me a renewed appreciation for those things. those several days i went without steady, reliable internet access weren't so bad, but when i briefly HAD internet in my flat, got ready to connect, and promptly lost it, well... i lost it. i got really upset. all i wanted to do was see familiar faces and hear familiar voices (via skype), and i couldn't. it seems stupid when you take it out of context, but it's how i felt.
folks, my love language is quality time. i want the one-on-one with people i love, and i'm getting very little of it. perhaps a lot of the fault is mine. i guess i expected people back home to reach out, or at the very least to respond when i reach out. it seems like it's a case of "out of sight, out of mind." to make matter more difficult, i don't make friends easily, and it seems incredibly weird to just walk up to a stranger and say, "hi, i'm new here." also, most people i come in contact with are only here for a week at most and aren't interested in forming any kind of even casual acquaintance. they brought their friends, they'll hang with their friends, and then leave with their friends. it leaves me pretty bummed.
we decided earlier this week to extend our stay here, previously ending on september 1st, to september 12th. that means six more weeks than i'd originally planned, bringing in the grand total to thirteen weeks on-island. my employer actually got her contract renewed until december, but both of us decided that it would be too much. i am hoping, in the next couple of weeks, that i'll acclimate better, or something. i've found a lot of activities i can do solo -- it's just a matter of finding the time and fitting them into my work schedule somehow. i'm hoping, by writing all of this down, i will put it all behind me and start feeling better about my time here. things seem to be taking a turn for the better, as far as incidents go, and i'm learning to be positive, though tenuously.
so, if this is a trial for a future move to new york (or wherever it is i end up)... i'm not doing too well. and God forbid i break that second pair of sunglasses, or there might be tears.
Showing posts with label nanny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nanny. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
driving in st maarten
i just thought i'd throw together a few little things about driving and vehicles in st maarten, beyond what i've already written.
*on the dutch side (where i'm living), the roads are privately owned. meaning, a person or private company, instead of a municipality, is responsible for upkeep/patching/etc. yes, every road, even the main thoroughfares.
*as i've already mentioned, within my first 10 minutes of driving on the island, i was fording flood waters. in the rainy season (summer, which is also the OFF season here), it happens frequently.
*speed bumps. with no/few warnings. and they aren't colored, like they are back home, so they sneak up on you on a 30 to 45 kph road.
*oh, and kilometers per hour on the signs and my speedometer.
*almost all of the road signs are pictures, and i didn't take a test on them, so i have no clue what many of them mean. winging it! some are obvious, but there are a few i still can't figure out.
*i think i've seen ONE stop light the whole time i've been here, and it was more of an indicator that the bridge (which raises twice a day) crossing the water passing from ocean to lagoon is about to raise.
*roundabouts/traffic circles are prevalent. and people who know how to use them (at least, the locals do... you can tell who the tourists are!)
*if someone beeps at you, it's not a complaint. it's giving you the right of way.
*there are no known rules for passing. people do it a lot, at random times. and by random, i mean both inconvenient and dangerous times.
*parking is a free-for-all. yes, there are designated spaces. there are even a few paid parking garages. most of the time, though, people are very thoughtless about it.
*maaany of the cars are the same, or very similar. God help you if you ended up renting a white Hyundai i10... because they are EVERYWHERE.
*it's pretty impossible to get lost if you stay on the main roads, because they follow almost the entire edge of the island.
*hopping from the dutch side to the french side is easy. there's just a sign that says "welcome to france!" or "welcome to the french side!"
*despite all of this, traffic flows really well... except between 5pm and 6pm. that's when the locals are leaving work and heading back inland to their homes, and also when the two bridges raise. traffic is a horrible snarl at that point, but sometimes, there's no avoiding going out -- many shops close at 6pm.
that's all i can think of, for now! i might add more later.
*on the dutch side (where i'm living), the roads are privately owned. meaning, a person or private company, instead of a municipality, is responsible for upkeep/patching/etc. yes, every road, even the main thoroughfares.
*as i've already mentioned, within my first 10 minutes of driving on the island, i was fording flood waters. in the rainy season (summer, which is also the OFF season here), it happens frequently.
*speed bumps. with no/few warnings. and they aren't colored, like they are back home, so they sneak up on you on a 30 to 45 kph road.
*oh, and kilometers per hour on the signs and my speedometer.
*almost all of the road signs are pictures, and i didn't take a test on them, so i have no clue what many of them mean. winging it! some are obvious, but there are a few i still can't figure out.
*i think i've seen ONE stop light the whole time i've been here, and it was more of an indicator that the bridge (which raises twice a day) crossing the water passing from ocean to lagoon is about to raise.
*roundabouts/traffic circles are prevalent. and people who know how to use them (at least, the locals do... you can tell who the tourists are!)
*if someone beeps at you, it's not a complaint. it's giving you the right of way.
*there are no known rules for passing. people do it a lot, at random times. and by random, i mean both inconvenient and dangerous times.
*parking is a free-for-all. yes, there are designated spaces. there are even a few paid parking garages. most of the time, though, people are very thoughtless about it.
*maaany of the cars are the same, or very similar. God help you if you ended up renting a white Hyundai i10... because they are EVERYWHERE.
*it's pretty impossible to get lost if you stay on the main roads, because they follow almost the entire edge of the island.
*hopping from the dutch side to the french side is easy. there's just a sign that says "welcome to france!" or "welcome to the french side!"
*despite all of this, traffic flows really well... except between 5pm and 6pm. that's when the locals are leaving work and heading back inland to their homes, and also when the two bridges raise. traffic is a horrible snarl at that point, but sometimes, there's no avoiding going out -- many shops close at 6pm.
that's all i can think of, for now! i might add more later.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
a week of (not so) wonderful
i knew pests would be an issue here, and with risk of dengue fever with certain bites, both i and my employer have been overly careful to the tune of extra-strength bug spray. unfortunately, as a result of one of my last nights in winston, i was already behind. i left home with two mosquito bites, garnered easily in sleep after accidentally leaving my patio door open all night. i managed to mostly resist scratching said bites (except once or twice, involuntarily), and they have now mostly healed with no scabbing. tiny, pink battle scars for the war over my body. however, after being here one week, i have three horrible, dare-i-say festering, bites on my leg and foot. since i didn't actually witness myself receiving the bites, and they aren't identifiable as anything i've been bitten by before (this includes but is not limited to, mosquitoes, spiders, wasps, snakes, and flies) i'm going to attribute it to one thing: ants. lots and lots of them. in my bed, with me in it. ::squirms::
in the past, i have convinced myself that i'm not terribly squeamish, but that's kind of a misnomer on my part. the sight of blood generally doesn't bother me, but i've almost passed out several times while giving blood or being injured (and, actually, i've been injured WHILE giving blood, ask me about that experience sometime). i've killed snakes with shovels, and trapped spiders under glass. things feasting on me, however, is where i draw a big, fat, squeamish line. well, let's just say i am NOT VERY FOND, and that is the least offensive way i can word it. waking up with ants in my bed definitely prompted some choice words and a nearly sleepless night (or two). this is one case in which i am thankful for all the horrible chemicals they sprayed to rid my apartment of the problem.
it's apparently some kind of cardinal sin to make complaints while you're visiting a tropical paradise, but it definitely bears documentation, at least here. the thought of ants in your bed doesn't go away, even after the reality does. it wakes you up at night to flip on the lights and flip off the sheets and run your hands down your legs, brushing away phantom plagues. it leaves you tingling and itchy, anticipating more and worse, even after you've eradicated the obvious problem. it also apparently renders you unable to control your own body, because i can't help but scratch on and around these swollen bumps. fortunately, a good soak in the salty ocean water seems to really help the itching, along with a heavy hand with hydrocortizone cream and bug spray.
ugh, bugs. right up there with zombies and vampires as general me-munching menaces to the population.
in the past, i have convinced myself that i'm not terribly squeamish, but that's kind of a misnomer on my part. the sight of blood generally doesn't bother me, but i've almost passed out several times while giving blood or being injured (and, actually, i've been injured WHILE giving blood, ask me about that experience sometime). i've killed snakes with shovels, and trapped spiders under glass. things feasting on me, however, is where i draw a big, fat, squeamish line. well, let's just say i am NOT VERY FOND, and that is the least offensive way i can word it. waking up with ants in my bed definitely prompted some choice words and a nearly sleepless night (or two). this is one case in which i am thankful for all the horrible chemicals they sprayed to rid my apartment of the problem.
it's apparently some kind of cardinal sin to make complaints while you're visiting a tropical paradise, but it definitely bears documentation, at least here. the thought of ants in your bed doesn't go away, even after the reality does. it wakes you up at night to flip on the lights and flip off the sheets and run your hands down your legs, brushing away phantom plagues. it leaves you tingling and itchy, anticipating more and worse, even after you've eradicated the obvious problem. it also apparently renders you unable to control your own body, because i can't help but scratch on and around these swollen bumps. fortunately, a good soak in the salty ocean water seems to really help the itching, along with a heavy hand with hydrocortizone cream and bug spray.
ugh, bugs. right up there with zombies and vampires as general me-munching menaces to the population.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
at which point the water appears more blue
i could do a lot of waxing philosophical about how all journeys have a destination and that life isn't about the destination, but mostly i'm writing to say that i've arrived at one particular destination: st. martin/sint maarten. i haven't been able to gather my words as well or as soon as i'd have liked, but with a little encouragement/subtle from a ten-year-old friend who is also traveling and blogging this summer (hello phoebe!), here i sit, contemplating my own journey. fortunately i have the next six weeks to sort through my feelings on the subject. maybe more...
the past few days have been a combination of delicious blur and acute memorization. there are moments where i have to stop and remind myself that this is really happening and is not just some crazy dream. honestly, it's a little difficult when the bright blue caribbean waters are only several hundred yards away. seriously, though, how does a nanny (raised in a small town, who has never traveled extensively, much less out of the country, at twenty-six years of age) end up here, in a beautiful-though-very-americanized island paradise?
my trip began early on wednesday morning. at 5am, we left for the airport in charlotte from winston, arriving just as the sun rose at 6:30. i managed to pack all of my clothes in one very large suitcase. the airline's weight limit for checked baggage is 50 lbs (unless you want to be subject to a $90 fine for overweight baggage), and i just squeezed by at 47. packing into one bag allowed me to take my guitar as my carry-on item, along with one small personal bag containing my cameras, netbook, and e-reader. after breezing through security (a first for me... i always forget something metallic on my person), we grabbed breakfast at an airport cafe and began the long wait for our 9:40am flight.
i spent lots of time walking the terminal with the nanny kid, keeping him entertained, while his mom relaxed as much as possible and sat with our copious amounts of carry-on luggage (her carry-on and personal bag, his carry-on and personal bag, and my guitar and personal bag... plus a stroller). when the first boarding call came, we were able to board first (a HUGE perk of flying with a young child). they handed me a gate-check ticket for my guitar and for the stroller i was pushing with toddler in tow. we were nearly the first passengers to step on the plane, so i asked the flight attendant if i could store the guitar in the overhead. he nodded and asked me to store it only over my seat, and let us pass. that, despite the tired feeling already creeping over me, was a great reason to smile.
it was a short wait to take off after boarding. we had lots of little entertainment items for the nanny kid, but i'm proud that we didn't break out the iPad at all. mostly he played with small cars and figurines, and snacked, but soon his five a.m. wakeup came calling and he drifted to sleep. almost four hours later, i caught my first sight of islands breaking through the blue waters below. my excited squirming woke the toddler sleeping halfway in my lap, and we both smiled relentlessly and chattered back and forth as the plane touched down over maho beach. a perfect landing.
there is a tiny strip of beach (maybe 20 ft), a two-lane road, and a five-foot fence between the water and the end of the runway, and numerous signs stating the danger of standing near where the planes land. people do it anyway, for the rush, for the photo opportunity, and i can't help but wonder how many were under our plane as the pilots guided us in. during rough seas (not hurricanes, just storms), the water often rises up and covers the road and creeps towards the runway. as we were flying in, i saw a gorgeous natural sea cave carved into the cliffs at maho. it was the first sight that truly set my heart beating fast, a promise of adventure and excitement i hadn't yet given myself permission to feel while preparing for this trip.
the next few hours were a blur. we deplaned, acquired our three checked bags, and headed to pick up our transportation. this trip has seen a lot of firsts for me, but none have held the same trepidation as driving my very first rental car (a tiny hyundai i10, with its speedometer in km instead of mph). the roads here just barely qualify for that name. though they are paved, they are cracked and potholed, and barely wide enough in some places for two cars to pass. furthermore, on this first day, the island had recently been subject to heavy rains, so the many gullies had collected up to a foot of rainwater. forwarding these gullies was much like forwarding a river in a bumper-car -- a frightening rush. i kept expecting to see water rising under my feet as i pressed the gas and brakes.
we dropped off our luggage, and headed for a local market. on the first aisle, i spotted the same bag of chips we'd purchased in the airport in charlotte, which are becoming a new favorite of mine. however, the numbers below the rack of items didn't make sense to me. $10 for a medium-sized bag of chips? noticing that i had nothing in my basket, my employer pointed out to me a tiny price beside the larger one: US dollars, versus the Dutch guilders reflected in the large price. the exchange rate is currently about 1 to 2. the chips were still $4, but since we were just stocking up for a few meals' worth of food, i thought it worth it. i also picked up breakfast food (cereal and soy milk), sandwich fixings (wheat bread, turkey, cheese, and mustard), and a few other small items. my total at the register came to 80 guilders, or around US$42. not too terrible, considering that most (if not all) items on the shelves had to be shipped in. my employer assured me that we'd drive to a larger grocery store later in the week to stock up on items the small market didn't carry.
after shopping, we headed back to the apartments to relax for a while, and i began to take in my surroundings. my employers have a one-bedroom, two-bath unit for the two adults and one toddler. i have a separate studio right next door. a lot of the finishes are luxury (stone tile, stainless steel appliances, rainfall shower and jacuzzi tub for one), but the furnishings are simple (the bed, chairs, and kitchen-wares). the linens are nice enough, but laughably, my bedspread is bright pink and red. the balcony is wrap-around, pergola-covered, and amazing, with views of both the ocean and the lagoon. i can watch planes take off all day long, if i so choose, which is a plus when you spend a lot of waking hours with a two-year-old boy.
around six, we went out for my first dinner on the island. my employer chose sunset bar and grille for its food and location -- right on the waves at maho beach, by the runway. true to its name, it does face into the sunset and towards that intriguing sea cave. we watched planes land, listened to the waves lap, and ate well. i had a tuna steak burger with a delicious spicy sauce.
by 8pm, i was crashing hard from a very long day, and very ready to test out my bed. i set an alarm for the next morning, when i would begin work at 8:45. laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep, eyes heavy, i reflected. i've made a lot of choices in my life, some good and some definitely not, but whatever choices i've made have led me to this particular point. in light of that, there are no such thing as coincidences, but i can't rule out luck. i feel so very lucky to be experiencing this, which is something i'll have to remember on the days when toddler-hood takes a turn for the worse. here's hoping that can be mitigated with lots of time in the water.
the past few days have been a combination of delicious blur and acute memorization. there are moments where i have to stop and remind myself that this is really happening and is not just some crazy dream. honestly, it's a little difficult when the bright blue caribbean waters are only several hundred yards away. seriously, though, how does a nanny (raised in a small town, who has never traveled extensively, much less out of the country, at twenty-six years of age) end up here, in a beautiful-though-very-americanized island paradise?
my trip began early on wednesday morning. at 5am, we left for the airport in charlotte from winston, arriving just as the sun rose at 6:30. i managed to pack all of my clothes in one very large suitcase. the airline's weight limit for checked baggage is 50 lbs (unless you want to be subject to a $90 fine for overweight baggage), and i just squeezed by at 47. packing into one bag allowed me to take my guitar as my carry-on item, along with one small personal bag containing my cameras, netbook, and e-reader. after breezing through security (a first for me... i always forget something metallic on my person), we grabbed breakfast at an airport cafe and began the long wait for our 9:40am flight.
i spent lots of time walking the terminal with the nanny kid, keeping him entertained, while his mom relaxed as much as possible and sat with our copious amounts of carry-on luggage (her carry-on and personal bag, his carry-on and personal bag, and my guitar and personal bag... plus a stroller). when the first boarding call came, we were able to board first (a HUGE perk of flying with a young child). they handed me a gate-check ticket for my guitar and for the stroller i was pushing with toddler in tow. we were nearly the first passengers to step on the plane, so i asked the flight attendant if i could store the guitar in the overhead. he nodded and asked me to store it only over my seat, and let us pass. that, despite the tired feeling already creeping over me, was a great reason to smile.
it was a short wait to take off after boarding. we had lots of little entertainment items for the nanny kid, but i'm proud that we didn't break out the iPad at all. mostly he played with small cars and figurines, and snacked, but soon his five a.m. wakeup came calling and he drifted to sleep. almost four hours later, i caught my first sight of islands breaking through the blue waters below. my excited squirming woke the toddler sleeping halfway in my lap, and we both smiled relentlessly and chattered back and forth as the plane touched down over maho beach. a perfect landing.
there is a tiny strip of beach (maybe 20 ft), a two-lane road, and a five-foot fence between the water and the end of the runway, and numerous signs stating the danger of standing near where the planes land. people do it anyway, for the rush, for the photo opportunity, and i can't help but wonder how many were under our plane as the pilots guided us in. during rough seas (not hurricanes, just storms), the water often rises up and covers the road and creeps towards the runway. as we were flying in, i saw a gorgeous natural sea cave carved into the cliffs at maho. it was the first sight that truly set my heart beating fast, a promise of adventure and excitement i hadn't yet given myself permission to feel while preparing for this trip.
the next few hours were a blur. we deplaned, acquired our three checked bags, and headed to pick up our transportation. this trip has seen a lot of firsts for me, but none have held the same trepidation as driving my very first rental car (a tiny hyundai i10, with its speedometer in km instead of mph). the roads here just barely qualify for that name. though they are paved, they are cracked and potholed, and barely wide enough in some places for two cars to pass. furthermore, on this first day, the island had recently been subject to heavy rains, so the many gullies had collected up to a foot of rainwater. forwarding these gullies was much like forwarding a river in a bumper-car -- a frightening rush. i kept expecting to see water rising under my feet as i pressed the gas and brakes.
we dropped off our luggage, and headed for a local market. on the first aisle, i spotted the same bag of chips we'd purchased in the airport in charlotte, which are becoming a new favorite of mine. however, the numbers below the rack of items didn't make sense to me. $10 for a medium-sized bag of chips? noticing that i had nothing in my basket, my employer pointed out to me a tiny price beside the larger one: US dollars, versus the Dutch guilders reflected in the large price. the exchange rate is currently about 1 to 2. the chips were still $4, but since we were just stocking up for a few meals' worth of food, i thought it worth it. i also picked up breakfast food (cereal and soy milk), sandwich fixings (wheat bread, turkey, cheese, and mustard), and a few other small items. my total at the register came to 80 guilders, or around US$42. not too terrible, considering that most (if not all) items on the shelves had to be shipped in. my employer assured me that we'd drive to a larger grocery store later in the week to stock up on items the small market didn't carry.
after shopping, we headed back to the apartments to relax for a while, and i began to take in my surroundings. my employers have a one-bedroom, two-bath unit for the two adults and one toddler. i have a separate studio right next door. a lot of the finishes are luxury (stone tile, stainless steel appliances, rainfall shower and jacuzzi tub for one), but the furnishings are simple (the bed, chairs, and kitchen-wares). the linens are nice enough, but laughably, my bedspread is bright pink and red. the balcony is wrap-around, pergola-covered, and amazing, with views of both the ocean and the lagoon. i can watch planes take off all day long, if i so choose, which is a plus when you spend a lot of waking hours with a two-year-old boy.
around six, we went out for my first dinner on the island. my employer chose sunset bar and grille for its food and location -- right on the waves at maho beach, by the runway. true to its name, it does face into the sunset and towards that intriguing sea cave. we watched planes land, listened to the waves lap, and ate well. i had a tuna steak burger with a delicious spicy sauce.
by 8pm, i was crashing hard from a very long day, and very ready to test out my bed. i set an alarm for the next morning, when i would begin work at 8:45. laying in bed, waiting to fall asleep, eyes heavy, i reflected. i've made a lot of choices in my life, some good and some definitely not, but whatever choices i've made have led me to this particular point. in light of that, there are no such thing as coincidences, but i can't rule out luck. i feel so very lucky to be experiencing this, which is something i'll have to remember on the days when toddler-hood takes a turn for the worse. here's hoping that can be mitigated with lots of time in the water.
Friday, June 3, 2011
and then some
well, i suppose it's common knowledge by now that i absolutely suck at keeping this journal updated, but i've run into some recent developments that definitely merit mention.
first of all, i'm days away from the six month deadline i set for myself, for a decision and possible move to new york. and no, i haven't been ridiculously busy preparing for a move -- i really do just suck at updating. i have still been combing through my possessions and getting things pretty well together for a move of some sort, but at least until the end of september, i'm here to stay. i still have several large pieces of furniture i'd like to sell, for sure -- my couch and my entertainment center, for sure. i've had no luck on craigslist with either of them, at a reasonable price, though.
second, as far back as mid-february, i decided that i'd much rather spend the summer hanging out with the preschooler i nanny, and with my newly-one-year-old nephew gabe, than jet off to new york with no prospects. i called up my landlord, and extended my lease through august 31st. we didn't even sign any paperwork -- my landlord has been absolutely amazing through all of my indecisiveness, and he was fine with a verbal month-to-month payment. my official lease terminated at the end of may, and i've just made my first slightly elevated month's rent payment. i'm feeling great about my space -- the more i personalize it, the more i enjoy it.
you'll notice, third, that i said i extended to the end of august in the previous paragraph, and the end of september in the first one. there's a reason for that. last week, my employers dropped a huge surprise in my lap, one i never would have expected. first, on monday, they gauged my interest in the idea, and by tuesday they'd signed contracts and starting nailing everything down. the news? the four of us (my nanny family, plus me) will be spending seven weeks in St. Maarten, a French-Dutch island in the Caribbean. the seven weeks ends on august 31, which would be incredibly impractical for a move, so extending my lease and buying extra time seemed to be the best option.
more big news? my landlord is interested in putting the loft on the market. he mentioned when i first signed the lease that he was interested in eventually selling, and would definitely consider me when the time came. now, i know i'm not terribly interested in or even able to buy a place, but both he and the realtor are very interested in selling to me, and they're willing to go to some effort to make that happen. so, tenuous though my financials may be, it at least bears consideration. scary!
so, that's what i'm processing right now. half a summer on a tropical island, possibly purchasing a future income property or moving into a new local place, and making peace with no (permanent) new york. i have this great feeling of "right place, right time" at the moment... but that doesn't mean i'm not already mentally planning my next new york vacation!
first of all, i'm days away from the six month deadline i set for myself, for a decision and possible move to new york. and no, i haven't been ridiculously busy preparing for a move -- i really do just suck at updating. i have still been combing through my possessions and getting things pretty well together for a move of some sort, but at least until the end of september, i'm here to stay. i still have several large pieces of furniture i'd like to sell, for sure -- my couch and my entertainment center, for sure. i've had no luck on craigslist with either of them, at a reasonable price, though.
second, as far back as mid-february, i decided that i'd much rather spend the summer hanging out with the preschooler i nanny, and with my newly-one-year-old nephew gabe, than jet off to new york with no prospects. i called up my landlord, and extended my lease through august 31st. we didn't even sign any paperwork -- my landlord has been absolutely amazing through all of my indecisiveness, and he was fine with a verbal month-to-month payment. my official lease terminated at the end of may, and i've just made my first slightly elevated month's rent payment. i'm feeling great about my space -- the more i personalize it, the more i enjoy it.
you'll notice, third, that i said i extended to the end of august in the previous paragraph, and the end of september in the first one. there's a reason for that. last week, my employers dropped a huge surprise in my lap, one i never would have expected. first, on monday, they gauged my interest in the idea, and by tuesday they'd signed contracts and starting nailing everything down. the news? the four of us (my nanny family, plus me) will be spending seven weeks in St. Maarten, a French-Dutch island in the Caribbean. the seven weeks ends on august 31, which would be incredibly impractical for a move, so extending my lease and buying extra time seemed to be the best option.
more big news? my landlord is interested in putting the loft on the market. he mentioned when i first signed the lease that he was interested in eventually selling, and would definitely consider me when the time came. now, i know i'm not terribly interested in or even able to buy a place, but both he and the realtor are very interested in selling to me, and they're willing to go to some effort to make that happen. so, tenuous though my financials may be, it at least bears consideration. scary!
so, that's what i'm processing right now. half a summer on a tropical island, possibly purchasing a future income property or moving into a new local place, and making peace with no (permanent) new york. i have this great feeling of "right place, right time" at the moment... but that doesn't mean i'm not already mentally planning my next new york vacation!
Monday, April 18, 2011
the blame game
i ended my workweek last friday feeling really down. most of the reason: i didn't feel successful at my job of caring for the two awesome boys who have been entrusted to me. i provided the basics, but as for actually enriching their lives, well, i fell short. it certainly wasn't on purpose. instead, i found myself very short-tempered with them, and with their failure to meet my expectations. come on. they're 2.5 years and 11 months, respectively. almost any expectation is too much of one, but they're both very smart boys, and i know their capabilities. still, it's my failures, not theirs, that bother me so much
i realized i was, over and over, losing my patience and saying or doing things i shouldn't. i wasn't building confidence, but was instead on a crash course to break them down. it's good that i can be honest with myself, acknowledge this huge misstep, and take steps to correct it. in doing so, though, i'm reminded of my past. i'm a product of a pretty broken life, family-wise, and of a parenting strategy that was lacking in some ways and overbearing in others. while i do believe that my past is a factor in my behavior and beliefs, i don't believe that i have to fully succumb to its wiles. i'm not forced to be subject to its dysfunction. i can live a life in which i am aware of myself, my thoughts and actions.
it's easy to put the blame on my past, and say that i am not entirely responsible for my actions. it's easy to say, "well, of course you're going to be strict... and angry... and selfish... look what you came from!" the truth of the matter, though, is that i'm responsible. me. for my own actions. and for how those actions affect everyone around me. it's silly to assume that i'm immune from the person i was brought up to be, but it's also silly to think that i can't also be more than that. one of my long-time favorite quotes is from a book i read in high school:
"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them." -charlie, from "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky
truthfully, it didn't really get any better over the weekend. coupled with some sad news from my family, and major storms across the state, i remained pretty down. i made some pretty ridiculous choices in an effort to not over-analyze my life. at some point, though, you finally wake up from the numbness and realize that it's perfectly okay to be human, to make mistakes. that's how we're made. we can strive to be better, though. when i woke up this morning, i did feel a little better. that's not to say i'm made the 100% best choices all day, with my words and actions, but i'm trying. i'm learning how to not be angry all the time.
today, i prepared lunch for the three of us, and instead of lording over the boys and making sure they're shoving food in their faces, i sat with them and ate my own food. they ate better than they have in weeks. the toddler told me everything he did at preschool today, in between bites and without his mouth full. he didn't make a huge mess (as he does when i'm distracted), and he ate EVERY bite of his food until the very end, when he knew he was full, without me having to ask him to keep eating. he used proper words, and asked nicely to leave the table, and cooperated when i asked him to stay until we were all finished with food. the baby quietly munched, his highchair pulled up to the table with us. he signed "milk" when he was ready for a drink, and "more eat" when he had finished the food in front of him. he giggled and grinned, and didn't pitch a fit when i left the table to clean up.
yes, they're smart -- advanced for their age, sometimes -- but they're still tiny humans, tiny flawed people who will spend the rest of their life trying and perhaps failing to live up to some kind of standard set by a world which craves the impossible. the least i can do is be their encourager, and teach them by both words and examples that it's okay to mess up. i know i certainly do.
i realized i was, over and over, losing my patience and saying or doing things i shouldn't. i wasn't building confidence, but was instead on a crash course to break them down. it's good that i can be honest with myself, acknowledge this huge misstep, and take steps to correct it. in doing so, though, i'm reminded of my past. i'm a product of a pretty broken life, family-wise, and of a parenting strategy that was lacking in some ways and overbearing in others. while i do believe that my past is a factor in my behavior and beliefs, i don't believe that i have to fully succumb to its wiles. i'm not forced to be subject to its dysfunction. i can live a life in which i am aware of myself, my thoughts and actions.
it's easy to put the blame on my past, and say that i am not entirely responsible for my actions. it's easy to say, "well, of course you're going to be strict... and angry... and selfish... look what you came from!" the truth of the matter, though, is that i'm responsible. me. for my own actions. and for how those actions affect everyone around me. it's silly to assume that i'm immune from the person i was brought up to be, but it's also silly to think that i can't also be more than that. one of my long-time favorite quotes is from a book i read in high school:
"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them." -charlie, from "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky
truthfully, it didn't really get any better over the weekend. coupled with some sad news from my family, and major storms across the state, i remained pretty down. i made some pretty ridiculous choices in an effort to not over-analyze my life. at some point, though, you finally wake up from the numbness and realize that it's perfectly okay to be human, to make mistakes. that's how we're made. we can strive to be better, though. when i woke up this morning, i did feel a little better. that's not to say i'm made the 100% best choices all day, with my words and actions, but i'm trying. i'm learning how to not be angry all the time.
today, i prepared lunch for the three of us, and instead of lording over the boys and making sure they're shoving food in their faces, i sat with them and ate my own food. they ate better than they have in weeks. the toddler told me everything he did at preschool today, in between bites and without his mouth full. he didn't make a huge mess (as he does when i'm distracted), and he ate EVERY bite of his food until the very end, when he knew he was full, without me having to ask him to keep eating. he used proper words, and asked nicely to leave the table, and cooperated when i asked him to stay until we were all finished with food. the baby quietly munched, his highchair pulled up to the table with us. he signed "milk" when he was ready for a drink, and "more eat" when he had finished the food in front of him. he giggled and grinned, and didn't pitch a fit when i left the table to clean up.
yes, they're smart -- advanced for their age, sometimes -- but they're still tiny humans, tiny flawed people who will spend the rest of their life trying and perhaps failing to live up to some kind of standard set by a world which craves the impossible. the least i can do is be their encourager, and teach them by both words and examples that it's okay to mess up. i know i certainly do.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
killing ourselves with convenience
disclaimer: i don't even like the word. it almost becomes a cop-out, like i'm refusing to claim my own opinion. i will say this, though -- it IS just an opinion. agree, disagree, or don't give a care. either way, it's my thought process, and i'm claiming it.
there's a new product on the market, made by a very popular company whose brand name has become synonymous with its product, so much so that people don't say "please hand me a disposable facial tissue," they say, "please hand me a (brand name)." i'm sure you know the brand, if not the product. their newest item is a disposable hand towel, made for use after each hand washing. its packaging, very conveniently, is made to fit on top of a towel bar (much like you'd find in many household bathrooms) in place of a cloth hand towel. the brand touts the germ-avoiding wonders of using one disposable towel per person after each hand washing, and never having to wash another cloth hand towel. they're attempting to make life more convenient and more sanitary, by providing one-time-use disposable products.
let's think back just a few years, to how many items that are now one-time-use disposables, which were once NOT. because i'm a nanny, i immediately consider how many disposable products we use and throw away per day, per child. dirty or wet diapers are our main export, usually around eight to ten per day (and these are laden with chemicals used to absorb more, so they can stay on longer -- convenience, again... but at what cost). then i think about the number of dirty wipes also thrown away (at least one per diaper), the number of tissues we use to wipe little noses (some days none, some days 20+), and the number of papertowels used to clean up just about ANY spill (and there are a LOT, with babies and toddlers). that's just items used on a daily basis, with one child!
why use a child as an example here? they emulate -- it's how they learn. it's short-sighted, though. a child thinks "nanny uses a paper towel to clean up a mess. next time i make a mess, i'll use a paper towel to clean it. nanny throws the paper towel in the garbage can. i'll do that, too." a child does NOT think, "if everyone in our city uses one paper towel per person, per day, that's 50,000 paper towels per day sitting around, waiting to decompose. tomorrow, it will be 100,000. a week from now, it will be 700,000. a month from now, it will be 3 million. 3 million paper towels takes up a lot of space. and how many people live in my country? and how much space do we have? and what other kinds of products are going to the landfill because we prize convenience over consciousness?" (if your child thinks this, please let me know... i'd like to high-five them AND you.)
once upon a time, people almost exclusively used cloth diapers, cloth wipes, cloth handkerchiefs, and cloth dish towels/rags. you buy them once, wash them after each use, and use them until they fall apart. in fact, some people even REUSED their items later -- when children no longer needed the cloth diapers, they would often be used as cleaning rags or, i don't know... stuffing for homemade pillows. i'm not saying these types of items wouldn't eventually end up in landfills at some point in their product life span. i'm just saying that they end up there, in less quantity and much less often (because we're not throwing them away, every day). they are multiple-use items. furthermore, what's with the selective environmentalism? why can we use a washable burp cloth (spit-up is just as gross as nasal drippings, in my opinion) for the baby, but not use a cloth handkerchief for ourself? why can we rely on our washing machines to clean one, but not the other?
let's get back to the child example. a child thinks: "i accept using one-time-use disposables because it is the way i have been lead to believe is appropriate and allowable. plus, it's convenient because i'm not the one doing the work!" a child does not necessarily think: "wait... what if there's a better way to clean and reduce germs, that won't cause 50,000 extra pieces of trash per day in the landfill near my city?" those are adult thoughts, the thoughts of a brain that can conceptualize beyond themselves. it's high time we jump on the adult bandwagon here... me included.
sadly, it's not simply a matter of providing convenience or better sanitation. one-time-use disposables promote a lifestyle which allows you to simply throw away your problems. companies are marketing to a lazy, paranoid society, one who doesn't want to do one more load of laundry a week to clean their own filth -- they just want to throw it away, for someone else to handle. the company fosters a dependence on these items by making you believe you can't perform a certain task without the item, at least not without risking grave consequences (in this case, germs!!). what gross, germ-ridden person is wiping their poorly-cleansed hands all over your cloth hand towel in your personal bathroom and forcing you to use it for months on end without washing? no one but yourself. yeah, think about that. YOU are in control of how well you wash your hands (which should be well enough to remove any significant germs) and how often you wash your hand towels. maybe it would be different if we didn't know any better, but we do.
here's the portion of this program where i jump off my high horse, and tell you a little about my own life. i use paper towels, probably on a weekly basis. i occasionally buy disposable napkins, plates, cups, and utensils for parties. i don't always carry my own reusable grocery bags. i have probably used over 100,000 disposable diapers in my career as a nanny... maybe more! i don't wash my own hand towels as often as i should when i don't have guests. i am lazy. i have taken the easy road. i have done all of this, in the past, without considering how it might affect the world around me, or even me... but one-time-use disposables aren't helping me overcome this. they're feeding the laziness, telling me it's okay to be lazy as long as i'm buying something to temporarily fix it. another problem is that it's never enough. we've tired of washing diapers, handkerchiefs, and hand towels. what's next? bath towels, bed linens, clothing? or, here's one that might hit home for some of you: technology.
as i'm starting to become more aware about the kind of life i'm leading, and of the world around me, i'm forming more opinions about what's right for me. it's not about the guilt i feel for making (what i consider to be) bad decisions, though. it's about wanting to be better, to live a better life. at the core, i'm not necessarily trying to identify with a particular environmental cause. i want to live a more conscious life, and that should extend to every part of my life... including my hand towels.
oh, and just to bring it back around to the title, here's an alternate title i considered but found to be a little too long: how natural selection is going to kill off our species with laziness and apathy.
there's a new product on the market, made by a very popular company whose brand name has become synonymous with its product, so much so that people don't say "please hand me a disposable facial tissue," they say, "please hand me a (brand name)." i'm sure you know the brand, if not the product. their newest item is a disposable hand towel, made for use after each hand washing. its packaging, very conveniently, is made to fit on top of a towel bar (much like you'd find in many household bathrooms) in place of a cloth hand towel. the brand touts the germ-avoiding wonders of using one disposable towel per person after each hand washing, and never having to wash another cloth hand towel. they're attempting to make life more convenient and more sanitary, by providing one-time-use disposable products.
let's think back just a few years, to how many items that are now one-time-use disposables, which were once NOT. because i'm a nanny, i immediately consider how many disposable products we use and throw away per day, per child. dirty or wet diapers are our main export, usually around eight to ten per day (and these are laden with chemicals used to absorb more, so they can stay on longer -- convenience, again... but at what cost). then i think about the number of dirty wipes also thrown away (at least one per diaper), the number of tissues we use to wipe little noses (some days none, some days 20+), and the number of papertowels used to clean up just about ANY spill (and there are a LOT, with babies and toddlers). that's just items used on a daily basis, with one child!
why use a child as an example here? they emulate -- it's how they learn. it's short-sighted, though. a child thinks "nanny uses a paper towel to clean up a mess. next time i make a mess, i'll use a paper towel to clean it. nanny throws the paper towel in the garbage can. i'll do that, too." a child does NOT think, "if everyone in our city uses one paper towel per person, per day, that's 50,000 paper towels per day sitting around, waiting to decompose. tomorrow, it will be 100,000. a week from now, it will be 700,000. a month from now, it will be 3 million. 3 million paper towels takes up a lot of space. and how many people live in my country? and how much space do we have? and what other kinds of products are going to the landfill because we prize convenience over consciousness?" (if your child thinks this, please let me know... i'd like to high-five them AND you.)
once upon a time, people almost exclusively used cloth diapers, cloth wipes, cloth handkerchiefs, and cloth dish towels/rags. you buy them once, wash them after each use, and use them until they fall apart. in fact, some people even REUSED their items later -- when children no longer needed the cloth diapers, they would often be used as cleaning rags or, i don't know... stuffing for homemade pillows. i'm not saying these types of items wouldn't eventually end up in landfills at some point in their product life span. i'm just saying that they end up there, in less quantity and much less often (because we're not throwing them away, every day). they are multiple-use items. furthermore, what's with the selective environmentalism? why can we use a washable burp cloth (spit-up is just as gross as nasal drippings, in my opinion) for the baby, but not use a cloth handkerchief for ourself? why can we rely on our washing machines to clean one, but not the other?
let's get back to the child example. a child thinks: "i accept using one-time-use disposables because it is the way i have been lead to believe is appropriate and allowable. plus, it's convenient because i'm not the one doing the work!" a child does not necessarily think: "wait... what if there's a better way to clean and reduce germs, that won't cause 50,000 extra pieces of trash per day in the landfill near my city?" those are adult thoughts, the thoughts of a brain that can conceptualize beyond themselves. it's high time we jump on the adult bandwagon here... me included.
sadly, it's not simply a matter of providing convenience or better sanitation. one-time-use disposables promote a lifestyle which allows you to simply throw away your problems. companies are marketing to a lazy, paranoid society, one who doesn't want to do one more load of laundry a week to clean their own filth -- they just want to throw it away, for someone else to handle. the company fosters a dependence on these items by making you believe you can't perform a certain task without the item, at least not without risking grave consequences (in this case, germs!!). what gross, germ-ridden person is wiping their poorly-cleansed hands all over your cloth hand towel in your personal bathroom and forcing you to use it for months on end without washing? no one but yourself. yeah, think about that. YOU are in control of how well you wash your hands (which should be well enough to remove any significant germs) and how often you wash your hand towels. maybe it would be different if we didn't know any better, but we do.
here's the portion of this program where i jump off my high horse, and tell you a little about my own life. i use paper towels, probably on a weekly basis. i occasionally buy disposable napkins, plates, cups, and utensils for parties. i don't always carry my own reusable grocery bags. i have probably used over 100,000 disposable diapers in my career as a nanny... maybe more! i don't wash my own hand towels as often as i should when i don't have guests. i am lazy. i have taken the easy road. i have done all of this, in the past, without considering how it might affect the world around me, or even me... but one-time-use disposables aren't helping me overcome this. they're feeding the laziness, telling me it's okay to be lazy as long as i'm buying something to temporarily fix it. another problem is that it's never enough. we've tired of washing diapers, handkerchiefs, and hand towels. what's next? bath towels, bed linens, clothing? or, here's one that might hit home for some of you: technology.
as i'm starting to become more aware about the kind of life i'm leading, and of the world around me, i'm forming more opinions about what's right for me. it's not about the guilt i feel for making (what i consider to be) bad decisions, though. it's about wanting to be better, to live a better life. at the core, i'm not necessarily trying to identify with a particular environmental cause. i want to live a more conscious life, and that should extend to every part of my life... including my hand towels.
oh, and just to bring it back around to the title, here's an alternate title i considered but found to be a little too long: how natural selection is going to kill off our species with laziness and apathy.
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