Sunday, January 30, 2011

one weak(ness) later

in addition to having a public blog, i have a private journal. in it, i've been able to spill my guts in a way i know is not for public consumption. sometimes my entries are as simple as copying in private conversations i've had. sometimes they're self-scathing tirades where i rip myself open and attempt to dig out the bad with my bare hands. perhaps, in one or two over time, i've written about a lust interest of the moment (after all, it's not love when he barely knows you exist). and sometimes, they're just life notes -- things i've learned about myself and the world around me.

lately, my private entries have been about one particular subject -- my own failings and fallings. everyone has those moments, i think, where we fall miserably short and flat on our faces. we look up from the bottom in a blood pool, gravel embedded in our chin, and thank the good Lord that there's really no farther to fall. luckily, for the most part, my falls are rather short. i am a flawed individual and, as a result, i expect to fail. i aspire to more, to succeed and self-inspect, but mostly, i feel i am a realist. i do occasionally find myself on some high platform of my own making, and end up walking straight off the edge and plummeting far to the floor.

this would be the point where i am expected to reveal the big secret failing that i've made, and wax poetic about how my life is changed after standing back up from the fall. i'm not ready to do that yet. i haven't rectified it, and i haven't even begun to heal from the wounds i have caused to myself. i'm not even sure i've finished falling yet, because i can see the ground fast approaching beneath me. i am fighting an inward battle because i am continually learning what it means to be a better person, and to be honest with myself.

i didn't want to just leave you (or myself) to think that i've lost momentum. i haven't. in fact, i am growing in leaps and bounds that i wish i could write about publicly, and someday i WILL write about it, in non-vague terms. for now, though... i'm here. i'll write when i'm able. in the meantime, talk amongst yourselves.

No comments:

Post a Comment